Working Foster Parent: Tips for Survival

When we first considered becoming foster parents, I joined foster Facebook groups to learn everything I could about the process. I quickly noticed that many foster families have a stay-at-home parent. I did worry a bit—my career is important to me and I wasn't really willing to give it up. Plus, it would not make financial sense for me to leave my job. Similarly, my husband had recently graduated with his Doctorate so he was also not at a point where he would be up for staying home full-time. So could we do it with two careers?
 
9 months in and the answer is yes! It is challenging, no doubt but it is feasible with some work. As much as I complain about being exhausted as a mom of a special needs foster son and a 2-year-old bio, working a full-time job, and having a husband, I also am constantly working to figure out how we can add one more kid to the mix :) 

Here are the things I would make sure you have in place before you foster with a full-time job.

1. A foster agency that offers “after-hours” trainings. It killed me that some of the agencies we looked at had trainings in the middle of the workday. It definitely immediately excluded them from our list.   


2. A good support system (paid and unpaid). Do you have friends or family that could help in a pinch, or if you’re really lucky enough, on a regular basis? We are so lucky that when we can’t take time off work, our parents will help with our kids. Next, are you able and willing to pay people (i.e., babysitters, cleaning services) to help you manage life? I highly suggest allotting some of the stipend to these services because it will help your sanity! (Note: Most agencies do require babysitters, paid or unpaid, to be background checked and have other trainings, so you’ll have to check what that looks like AND if your support system is willing to do that.) 
   
   
3. A plan for what to do when (not if) your foster kid is sick/at home. We learned this with our bio: kids in daycare/school get sick OFTEN! (And then pandemics are possible and everyone could be forced to stay home for months… but I don’t have PTSD about working from home with an infant, ha!) Will your manager allow you to work from home on those days and/or easily make up your hours later? Will you have to take that time as PTO/Sick Time/FMLA? If you don't have this flexibility, does your partner (if you have one)?
   
   
4. A plan for bonding during the initial days. Attachment is critical in any parent/child relationship, and even more so for kids who have experienced trauma. I would strongly recommend at least one parent taking 3-14 days off when you get a new placement to kick-start that bonding (and getting all the things done that are needed). Find out if your job offers paid parental leave and if they'll let you apply it to fostering; if not, if this needs to be PTO, FMLA, or something else. Beyond that, you'll have to be deliberate with your bonding time. Unfortunately (and fortunately) that means you can't just jump into a routine of school/daycare/work, then dinner, then baths, then sleep. Plan to spend as much family time together in the evening and weekends as is possible, especially in the first few weeks. Play games together, read books together, go to the park together--let them know you're there to protect and love them.
   
   
5. Childcare/School AND After-Care. If you're working full time, it will be even more crucial that you have a plan in place for childcare or school before you get a placement and that you're able to activate it quickly. One important thing to remember here is to pay attention to what time the childcare/school opens and closes. Especially with elementary-aged kids, you may have to figure out after-school care to bridge the gap between the time they get out of school and the time you get out of work.
   
   
6. A drop-off and pick-up plan. Without one dedicated person at home caring for the kids, it’s best to plan to tag team the crazy world that is dropping off and picking up your kids everyday. Especially if you have multiple kids in different schools, this could eat hours out of your week. Coordinate with everyone’s schedule, figure out if you can use school transportation services, and again, hire a babysitter if needed.
   
   
7. A supportive work team! This is crucial for everyone, but even more so for foster parents. I am so fortunate to have a boss who is CASA in his free time, so he understands the need for foster parents. And I am also so lucky to have coworkers who all have little ones and can easily empathize when I have a sick kid at home. I do my best to make up any time I miss because of my kids but I am so thankful to know they don’t resent me for not being available 24/7. I know it can sound drastic but I think this is so crucial that I would really suggest finding another job if you didn’t think your team would be supportive or would punish you for needing flexibility.
   
   
8. A plan for self-care. This is also something everyone needs but can be a bit harder to come by when you’re dealing with a career, kids (at least one who has experienced trauma) AND CPS, social worker and bio visits. Have a plan to take care of yourself, even for 20 minutes a day. You may have to put it on the backburner the first few weeks, but don’t let it go completely. Prioritize your health and wellbeing too. Get a free week of therapy here (affiliate link).
   
   
9. A plan to handle the guilt. Even with all of this in place, let me tell you, YOU WILL HAVE GUILT. Guilt that you're not spending enough time with your child. Guilt that you aren't being a "good enough" employee because you have to take time off. Guilt that you are sending your kids to daycare where they'll be exposed to every virus under the sun. Guilt that you don't have enough time to focus on progressing in your career. Guilt that you could likely help your foster child's progress more if you dedicated all your time to them. Unfortunately, this is all par for the course as a working parent. While I obviously haven't gotten rid of all my guilt, the biggest tip I have here is to be good at positive self talk: Tell yourself you're doing great things, maybe not perfectly, but great things none the less. And give yourself a lot of grace!
   
   
10. A plan for your most important relationships. If you're married or with a long-term partner, the two of you should talk through these items and acknowledge how stressful it will be, particularly in the beginning. You'll both be working full-time, with the kids the remaining time, AND trying to juggle all the extras that come with fostering and a new child... it can easily get overwhelming and lonely if you're not careful. Commit to doing it as a team, celebrate your "wins" together, plan to check-in with each other often and find babysitters who can give you a date night every once in a while. 

It is absolutely doable to foster while working full-time. It can be stressful without a doubt, but with some pre-planning, you'll be able to find the joys in your crazy life! 

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