What We Learned Through The First Few Months of Fostering

Things we've learned through our foster and adoption journey so far:

• Foster/adopt out of birth-order if you want. Well-meaning people will tell you not to do it but that's based on almost nothing. When you have two biological children, your children didn't take lessons on being the oldest or youngest (your first literally went from being an only child to the oldest child overnight) — they learn to adapt. With your help, they do it successfully, just as they can in a foster/adopt situation.
• Fake it until you make it. This is especially true for older kids that don't require as much physical nurturing; that love doesn't build overnight. But you have to pretend it's there from day one. Even if it feels so awkward, treat your child as if they were your biological. Fawn over them. Hug them (if they want to). Let the child overhear you talking about how awesome they are, even if it doesn't come naturally. Every kid deserves that, especially kids in foster/adopt situations.
• Adapt to what THEY need, don't just force them to adapt to your family. Your family may have rules, traditions, and routines, but some of these things may be exactly the opposite of what the child needs at that moment. Adapt. Ask their opinions and their likes/dislikes. It may mean watching the Netflix movie “Vivo” 467 times and learning all the words to the songs, ha! (Thanks to Lin-Manual Miranda, it's actually a super cute movie!). Then there's the stuff they can't communicate, no matter how old: Time outs may feel like abandonment to them, so you may need to remove that from your discipline. Do you only offer snacks at set times of the day? That likely won't work for a kid who faced food insecurity. Do you ban screen time during the week? If that's been all your child knows for the past 5+ years, sorry but you'll need to adapt before they'll even consider changing their own ways. These changes can be hard but are so worth it when you see how they help your foster/adopted child.
• Be prepared to ask for help. Fostering is really hard! Call in favors, pull out the "I'm a foster parent" card, take advantage of every resource you can, because that kid deserves it and you need it. (Thanks to EVERYONE who has stepped up to help us!)
• The child's biological parents aren't inherently bad. Many have faced unfortunate and difficult lives, others have just made poor decisions -- but that alone doesn't make them bad or evil. It’s important to not treat them (or talk about them) as such. They likely love their child so much and are hurting so much being apart from them. 
• It's useless preparing your heart for any particular outcome... just be ready to love. There are so many things that can change everything at the drop of a hat -- even in the process of adoption, which we learned in trying to adopt a baby earlier this year. There are more ups and downs than you could ever expect or plan for. But you have to pick yourself up and keep moving if you want to help kids in need (and survive). It is worth it!!!!

I hope none of this sounds like we have it all figured out. We do not! We are seriously taking it one hour at a time, particularly in pandemic times. I hope though that this will help someone take the leap that we have! Because it is also the best gift we could receive to see our foster make progress and smile when he is facing so many challenges!