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Between the paperwork, doctor visits, bio visits, CPS visits, and bonding needs, foster parents may find themselves regularly needing time away from work. Fortunately, there are laws in place to help protect working foster parents in the form of the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). Read on to learn more about how this law can help you as a foster parent.
(This information is not meant to take the place of legal advice. Please talk to a lawyer for full details on FMLA law and how it will impact you.) What is FMLA? The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) of 1993 provides workers with up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave during any 12-month period for certain family and medical reasons. These include caring for a family member with a serious health condition, bonding with a new child (bio, adopted or foster), or attending to certain military-related activities. The leave can be taken all at once or intermittently throughout the year. It is important to note that FMLA does not provide paid leave; however, your employer may provide some form of compensation during your time off. Who Is Eligible for FMLA? In order to be eligible for FMLA, you must meet the following criteria: You must have been employed by your current employer for at least 12 months before taking leave; you must have worked at least 1,250 hours in that same 12-month period; and you must work at a company that employs 50 or more employees within 75 miles of your worksite. To qualify as a foster parent, you must be taking leave to care for a child who is in an official foster care case with the state and you must be their primary guardian. If you meet these requirements, then you are eligible for FMLA protection. How Does FMLA Help Foster Parents? Foster parents are eligible for FMLA if they meet the criteria mentioned above. This means they can take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave per year if needed without fear of retribution from their employer or termination from their job. This can be incredibly helpful when dealing with medical issues and visits that arise with foster children—the time off helps ease some of the stress of being a foster parent by providing job security during times when extra attention needs to be given elsewhere. How Do I Take Advantage of FMLA as a Foster Parent? Talk to your HR Department when you start the foster licensing process to ensure that you and they qualify (per the rules listed above). Find out what paperwork they request and the process they want you to go through to request the leave. After getting a placement, you will need to let your employer know about your request for leave as soon as is practicable; that likely means within one business day after getting a placement. Because this is a particularly busy time, it's best to pre-fill all requested paperwork as much as is possible and completely understand this process in advance. (The last thing you need during the first few days of a placement is more things to worry about.) What do I need to consider when taking FMLA as a Foster Parent? In addition to the above, you'll likely want to look into what PTO, Sick Time, or other Paid Leave may be available to you. You'll also want to consider your budget during that time; often any stipends you get for fostering are slow to be paid at first. Add in the fact that you'll likely have many costs to get your placement settled alongside being unpaid through FMLA and you may find yourself in a difficult financial place if you didn't plan well. Finally, you'll also want to consider your healthcare premium or other items that come out of your paycheck as you'll need to plan to pay these items back upon your return to work. Being a foster parent is an incredibly rewarding experience but it comes with its own set of challenges as well, especially as a working foster parent. Knowing that there are laws such as the Family and Medical Leave Act in place to help protect you during those challenging times can make things just a bit easier—and so can knowing what exactly is covered by this law! Now that you understand more about FMLA, hopefully you can rest assured that if something comes up on your journey as a foster parent, there’s an option out there ready to help make things just a little bit easier! If you’re a new foster parent, or considering becoming one, it can be helpful to know the possible behaviors that you may encounter. While each foster child is unique and will have their own perspectives and experiences, all foster kids have experienced the trauma of being separated from their biological family. It is important to remember that many of these behaviors are rooted in this and other trauma. Common Behaviors in Foster Children When caring for a foster child, there are some common behaviors you may notice. These behaviors may manifest differently based on the individual child’s age or level of maturity. Many of these behaviors are normal reactions to trauma; some of which include:
These behaviors in foster children are often rooted in attachment and trust issues. It's likely that your foster child will need lots of reassurance from you that they can trust you and rely on your support before they begin to connect with you. Remember, a child won't follow your directions just because you put a meal on the table and roof over their head; they first need to build trust and a bond with you. Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) is the gold-standard for building attachment with kids from hard places. Learn the TBRI IDEAL Response to deal with these tough behaviors. Behavioral Issues That Need Professional Attention While arguably all foster children could benefit from therapy in some form, there are some behavioral issues that likely need more intense support. These include:
While caring for foster children can be challenging at times due to these behaviors, it can also be incredibly rewarding knowing that you are providing them with a safe environment where they can grow. As a foster parent, it is important to understand what typical behaviors may look like so that if any problems arise, you know how best to proceed with getting professional help for your foster child’s well-being. (Read Day 1-14 Here)
Day 15 For the most part, no one got out of the house and no one got out of comfy clothes today. My husband and I did much-needed things around the house while the kids watched movies and played (mostly well) together. Progress for sure. At 6 p.m. we realized we had nothing planned for dinner so we quickly packed everyone in the car to go pick something up. My husband and I couldn't help but laugh because all of us looked a hot mess in our car. Socks didn't match, some of us still had pjs partly on. At least one of the kids didn't have shoes on. I was wearing a raggedy old t-shirt and hadn't straightened (or brushed, ha) my hair in weeks. My husband needed a haircut and to shave. We couldn't even pretend like we had it together today if we wanted to... and I'm okay with that! Day 16 Another major tantrum ensued today. What's worse is that it's clear these are starting to impact our other children and their view of FS3. I've doubled down on getting evaluations done to see what services might be able to help him. Day 17 While FS3 is showing relatively strong attachment (“relatively” being the keyword here) to us as far as calling us mama and dada and looking to us for his needs, I’m realizing he has almost no trust of us. I think everyone knows that kids in foster care are at high-risk for having trust issues, but I think most people assume that takes place in their adult inter-personal relationships. For a three-year-old, here’s what it looks like.
Day 19 FS3 started daycare today! Since we did know he was coming to us a few weeks in advance, I was able to get him signed up and fortunately they had openings. We did give it just over two weeks to get him in so that we could "cocoon" a bit at home while we learned each others routines and his needs. It was nice to have some time to mentally decompress but I worried about how he's doing... especially if he has a tantrum. Will the teachers be able to handle it? Will I eventually get a call that we need to find a new daycare? Fortunately, absolutely no calls and his teacher said he did great! One day down… many more to go! Day 20 I usually work from home but today needed to go to the office. It was great being around some adults for a change! Of course, my sweet colleagues were checking in on me and asking all about our new addition. Not one to lie, I told them it has been challenging but we love him. Then THE question came…: “Why do you take these kids who aren’t your own, who have so many struggles, into your home knowing they may not even stay with you forever?”. I was too stunned to answer, but honestly, in hindsight I wished I would have said “How could you not?” Day 24 BS3 goes back and forth between loving FS3 and being totally over him and needing his space. I worry about him so much too. FS6 seems to be doing great with the adjustment but of course, I'm keeping an eye on him to make sure he's not suppressing any feelings. Day 25 Talk about famous last words (re: Day 24). Today, in a very passive aggressive move, FS6 hid FS3’s favorite blankie in his room under a toy box. It was as if to say, "you’ve caused quite a stir in this house and I think I’ll teach you a lesson". We talked to him so much about how it was totally okay to feel angry, but not okay to do mean things… but I won’t lie, we did chuckle a bit because it took some wit. Day 26 Over the next 36 hours, 9 different case works, social workers, therapists, babysitter, etc. will be coming through our doors. Can I even call this "our" house anymore? When they say "it takes a village", they meant it literally for foster care! Day 27 We had FS3’s service plan visit this evening. I picked up the youngest 2 from daycare while my mom stayed with FS6 at home. BS3 totally lost it and was screaming that he didn't want to go home the whole drive home. FS3 also melted down but a bit more mildly. I brought them in the house while they were a mess. I walk in to have my mom tell me that FS6 had a digestive "incident" that they were cleaning up all while FS3’s CPS worker, social worker and CASA rang the doorbell. I jokingly promised the CPS worker that we would have it more together by this month after our Day 1 visit. Ha... the joke was on me for sure! In good news though, I realized today that it's been 4 full days since FS3 has had a major, violent tantrum. That's the longest stretch we've seen! Day 28 BS3 has still been struggling with the transition. It doesn’t help that he had a major transition at school this week too. There is a part of me that feels guilty for adding this complicated situation into his life. But I remind myself how he and FS6 didn’t get along for a while at first but now absolutely love each other. I remind myself that bringing a biological baby would have brought similar amounts of stress to his life, yet people do that literally every day. I remind myself that I am ready to support him through this too. I remind myself his siblings will teach him lessons I cannot. I remind myself that sure they argue and fight a lot, but when they see each other for the first time after their (separate) days at daycare, they give each other THE BIGGEST hug. And I breathe. Day 29 FS3 has had difficulties getting to sleep and staying asleep. I try to employ some of the tactics I used on BS3 when he was an infant, like cuddling and singing lullabies, as I know bedtime is an important time for attachment to build. The most difficult thing is he can’t seem to turn his body (or his voice) off to calm down so he flip flops on the bed, kicking and punching the air, plopping his legs down repeatedly on the bed, and asking questions and making requests, for sometimes over an hour. Sometimes he’s totally good if we leave the room, other times not. Then, at least 1/3 of the past month, he’s woken up screaming and crying. It’s added a layer of exhaustion on an already tiring month. This is where I really employ my list of things I say to my foster kids. I started saying these basically on day one with FS3. What’s so cool is that my husband text me tonight since he was on FS3 bedtime duty to tell me FS3 just said “I’m so safe and so loved” as he was flip flopping to sleep. I’m reading back on my entries over the past month and just realized I haven’t mentioned FS3's eating throughout this. The first two weeks, FS3 would finish a meal and then turn around and say “I’m hungry”. We offered lots of healthy options and encouraged him to stay busy after meals since we figured it was nervous/bored eating. I talked to him a lot about when his belly was empty and when it was full. Between the passing of time since his move and understanding these other concepts, thankfully, this has tapered off now and he seems to be eating a typical amount. I'll take this things as progress! Day 30 I feel like we may have had a major breakthrough last night… I can only hope. I talk a lot to the boys about feelings and FS3 regularly shares that he is sad. Asking him “why” is futile since that concept is a much more complex thought process and requires language he probably doesn’t have at three. So I have been telling him “Are you sad because you had to switch families? Because that is hard.” {I’ll note that I hate that I have to give him these words at three, but I want to equip him with the right language he needs to express himself so he can start processing these feelings now and doesn’t have to start in 5, 10, or 20 years. I don’t want him to always feel like there’s something amiss, yet he doesn’t know how to communicate what is wrong.] In the middle of the night last night, FS3 woke up screaming and was inconsolable. We tried everything. I’ll admit, I was feeling helpless and honestly getting frustrated. He didn’t want water, he didn’t need to go potty, he wasn’t comforted by a hug or being carried. He didn’t care that I was going to stay in his room or sing to him. We were about 15 minutes in and I was sure he was going to wake up the other two boys at any moment. Finally, I said, “I see that you’re sad. I’m so sorry.” And he said “I am sad. I don’t like switching families” angrily. Oh my goodness… to hear that from him both broke my heart and reset my brain to the situation at hand. I was then able to say, “I’m so sorry you had to switch families, I know that is so hard. I know you miss your______.” I’m not kidding after I said this, he immediately calmed down. It’s like he felt heard and validated in these big, complex feelings. I know we’ll likely have to go through this process a hundred times or more, but now we’re both a bit more prepared. Day 31 Today we were in a minor-to-us car accident. I'll say it just as I said it on Day 1 (but maybe with more sarcasm), the chaos is almost laughable. Seriously, I need a week that doesn’t have high-intensity stress. I think we’re making progress in some areas with FS3, particularly the reduction of the violent tantrums. In others (like Day 30's revelation), I know we’ve just seen the start. We still don’t have any word on when coping skills or play therapy are starting. We did get him an evaluation for speech and thankfully that doesn’t seem like an area of need for him. Adjustments for the kids have been going as expected–still a struggle but making progress. Fortunately, all three boys have been doing great in school/daycare which means that while it is a struggle at home, they’re not feeling it so much that it leaks into their school life! As for me and my husband…I’ll admit, with the ages and needs of our current kids, and our jobs, we are both individually struggling a bit more than with previous placements. We’ve decided to both do individual therapy AND parent coaching to help us cope and ensure we’re being the best parents and partners we can be. I’ve also given in and gotten a laundry service to pick up a few loads of clothes once per week which has been a huge help. I’m really trying to take my own advice and ask for help wherever we can get it! The past month hasn’t been easy. I’d love to say at a month out, we have it all figured out and everyone is doing great, but that’s not how foster care works. It’s complicated and it’s challenging on so many different levels (trauma, services, sibling relationships, marriage, work, your own insecurities/emotions, sleep, eating and so much more), but it is totally worth it knowing we can provide love and safety to our kids. While actions certainly speak louder than words, I say these things to our foster kids often (especially in the first month) to help these phrases become mantras in their mind. My hope is that after hearing them a few dozen times, they begin to see truth in them (which is where actions come into play) and can say them with no prompts from me. 1. You are safe. When they worry, I want them to remember they don't have to right now. They are safe. I try to explain exactly how they are safe to by adding "this house is safe, I will make sure no one hurts you here, we have enough food, and we will make sure you have a safe place to sleep". 2. You are so loved. While I tell them I love them too (yes, even before I actually really feel all the lovey feelings, because I love them as a human), I talk to them about all the people who love them. As is appropriate, bio parents, former foster parents, siblings, and then our family and extended family (like grandparents, aunts and uncles). I want them to know that love surrounds them. 3. I'm here to take care of you. In addition to #1, I add this so they can recognize who I am. Not a mean person who took them away from their bios. Not a stranger any more. Kids shouldn't have to worry about who is taking care of them, but unfortunately, kids in foster care have often learned that it's not a given. Telling them that is your goal will help them find ease. When you have to give them direction or discipline, you can remind them of this, i.e. "I'm here to take care of you, and I can't let you do this because it's not safe" 4. I'm sorry this is so hard for you. Let's face it, becoming a foster kid really means switching families. Even as adults, we'd find that hard and yet we often expect kids to do it and not struggle. Hearing that you see this as a difficult situation may help them know that their feelings about it are real and okay. 5. Do you miss... [bio parent/former foster parents/siblings]. You may hope that not talking about bios families may help them move on. But nope, they are feeling the loss and some kids, especially young ones, don't even know what the feelings are. Giving them these words will help them identify and communicate their feelings. 6. It's okay to be sad or mad (and as needed, "but it's not okay to hurt people"). This is especially helpful to say when you see anger boiling up. Again, they may not know these feelings and maybe all they know to do is share their pain by hurting others. Give them the words so that they know how to communicate them without the hitting, kicking, biting and yelling. 7. Let's practice taking deep breaths. During calm times, get them to practice taking deep breaths. Practice often during calm times so that when they are having big feelings or otherwise are dysregulated, you can remind them to take a deep breath and it's like second nature. 8. What are some things that make you happy? While a question, find some safe things that may them happy so that you can use them when they are feeling big feelings OR that you can name them when they need something happy to think about. It's also just a great way to get to know your foster kid. What's so cool is that time and again, after a few weeks/months of saying these things often (the timeline depends on the kid and their developmental age -- but I have seen it happen in as soon as 2 weeks), I hear them start to say these things to themselves or to those around the house. I hear them use words like "I'm mad" instead of hitting. I see them take a deep breath with they're getting upset or dysregulated without me having to say a word. What are some things you say to your foster kids regularly?  If you are fostering a toddler, there are some key behaviors that you should understand and expect as they adjust to their new home. Learning how to differentiate between normal toddler behavior and potentially more serious issues can help make sure your foster child gets the support they need.
Understanding Age Appropriate Behaviors A good starting point for understanding typical toddler behavior is to understand what is considered age appropriate development for toddlers. Generally, toddlers aged one to three years old have a limited vocabulary and may communicate primarily through gestures and body language. At this age, children also have very limited self-control and often act impulsively or out of anger or frustration when their needs aren't met. It's important for foster parents to remember that tantrums and emotional outbursts are normal expressions of emotions at this stage of development. Differentiating Between Normal Behavior & Trauma Triggers In addition to normal toddler behaviors, it's important for foster parents to be aware that children in the foster care system have experienced trauma which may manifest itself in certain behaviors or reactions. For example, if your child experiences an unexplained fear or anxiety when separated from caregivers, it could be due to past trauma associated with separation from primary caregivers. Similarly, if your child displays signs of aggression towards other children or adults, it could be indicative of unresolved trauma or feelings of helplessness. It's important for foster parents to recognize potential triggers like these right away so that they can take steps to provide appropriate support and resources as needed. Coping Skills & Self Regulation Techniques One way that foster parents can help their children cope with challenging emotions is by teaching them coping skills such as deep breathing exercises or positive self-talk techniques. These types of activities can help kids learn how to self-regulate their emotions in difficult situations and give them the tools they need to better manage stressors related to their past trauma. Additionally, providing a consistent daily routine with regular mealtimes, bedtimes, playtime, etc., can help create structure and predictability which is especially beneficial for children who have experienced traumatic events in the past. Seek Professional Help As Needed Though they're young, even toddlers may benefit from professional help like behavioral therapies, play therapy or floor time therapy. Additionally, if young children are severely struggling, you should have them evaluated for other services; speech therapy, occupational therapy or physical therapy may help them reduce physical frustrations and allows them the opportunity to thrive in other areas. There are also many resources available to help foster parents learn tactics and skills to parent a child who is struggling, including parent coaching with a licensed therapist. Get a free parent coaching consult with Manatee here. While there may be some unique challenges associated with fostering a toddler in care, it’s important for foster parents not forget about all the wonderful aspects of parenting a young child too! With love, patience, understanding and access to appropriate resources, foster parenting a toddler can be an incredibly rewarding experience! Keeping these things in mind while navigating typical toddler behaviors during this transition period will ensure your new family member gets off on the right foot during their time with you. |
AuthorI'm a foster mom, bio mom, working mom, special needs mom, busy mom. I'm also married to my high school sweetheart, I'm a proud 23-year childhood cancer survivor, and I'm passionate about serving my community. More from FosterMama
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