Building Foster and Bio Siblings' Relationship

Our bio son was 2 when we finalized our foster license. We specifically wanted to be placed with a child that was a few years older than him.  I figured it would take a small adjustment but the kids would quickly love each other and be best friends. 

I was wrong—at least about the "quick" part. 

The first few weeks after our first foster placement arrived, these kids hit, pushed and fought constantly. During one of our foster son's (many) first medical check ups, the doctor asked him how he liked me and my husband; We got a thumbs up. Then she asked how he liked "little brother" and he gave a quick thumbs down. 

Let me clear, this was more than your normal sibling rivalry. They really seemed so frustrated and stressed out by each other. We were doing everything "right" as far as giving each undivided attention every day, providing fun opportunities with each other, but it wasn't enough. By week three, I had to put our old changing table pad between the two of them in the car so they wouldn't reach over in their car seats (our foster) or hurl a shoe at the other (our bio). I wondered if we had made a terrible mistake. 

This kept me up at night... but thankfully that gave me time to game plan. Here's what we did that helped them improve their relationship.  

1. We stayed in close proximity (at least in earshot) to them whenever they were together so we could deescalate things. When the boys were alone, they were generally calm but I saw them both be on edge and more stressed out when they were with each other. We had to turn this around quickly. So the second tensions were rising, we jumped in: "Oh look, who wants to play with this dinosaur with me?" or "Hey guys, who wants a popsicle?!" This was critical in helping them reduce the negative emotion they were feeling around each other. I know now to start this on Day 1 in the foster-sibling relationship.
2. During calm times, we role played. For us, and likely most kids around this age, it was toys. Someone had it and someone else wanted it. Our 2-year-old was, of course, just learning to talk and our foster was mostly non-verbal, but we taught them the most basic phrases around asking for a toy and had them practice asking for and giving toys. Once they perfected that, we also taught them what happened if someone says "no" to their request and that they could then ask "Can I have it in a few minutes?" 
3. During calm times, we talked about how to handle being upset. "Being upset is okay,  hitting/ kicking/ punching/ slapping/ pushing/ biting is not!" And we gave them a few things they can do when they were upset like taking deep breaths or asking for some space to calm down. 
4. During calm times, we taught them to understand and empathize with other people's feelings. At the dinner table, we practiced the different faces we make when we're happy, sad and mad. They thought this was so silly and fun, but most importantly it helped them understand what other people were feeling in a situation. This one definitely took longer than the others, but after a few months I noticed them start to label their and other people's feelings that they saw on TV and in person. This was huge because if you can understand little or big sibling is getting really upset at something you are doing, you can start figuring out it may be time to back off. 
5. We coached them through the difficult situations in real time. Once we had given them the tools (even if they didn't fully understand them yet), we started coaching them through the situations as they happened. "Did you snatch that toy? Please give it back and use your words... do you remember what you should say?". Maybe they just got annoyed at having to reenact things, but either way they got it after a while. By about 3-4 months in, I began witnessing them calmly use their words to request toys from each other and share without any intervention from us... yep, a 2-year-old, and a 6-year-old with speech and social delays. Seriously, when I witnessed this for the first time I was in tears!

It was around this time too that I really started seeing them regularly find joy in each other without my husband or I playing an active role in things. And now, 11 months in as I write this, no lie, I'm listening to them from the other room be so silly and crack up while they're playing together with absolutely no coaching necessary. They seriously love each other like crazy and that fills me with so much joy! 

What's more, I think about everything they have learned through their relationship (yes, with a lot of support from us) that will benefit them for years to come and maybe their lifetime: How to deal with difficult situations; How to use their words when they want something; How to empathize with other people's emotions; How to appropriately react when they're upset; How to respect someone; and my favorite, how to be a loving sibling.