Bonding with a new foster child may come naturally to some foster parents. I can admit, however, I am not one of those parents; I have to take deliberate action in order to create that bond. The good news is that with time and work, the bond can not only exist but be the foundation for a strong foster parent/child relationship. 

1. First and foremost, especially in the first weeks, meet their needs quickly and their wants as often as you can. This is best way to bond with a child in foster care. In this way, treat them much like you would a new baby. If they say they’re hungry, get them food quickly (and on that note, while you’re out and about, have snacks ready). If you notice they’re tired or over stimulated, help them take a break or nap. If you see they’re seeking attention, give it to them in a positive way. 

2. Gently create structure and boundaries. During the first few weeks, foster parents will want to create structure and boundaries but do so as gently as possible recognizing the major life change these kids have experienced and that they won't listen to your boundaries and structure until they know they can trust you.  

3. Get rid of distractions (for at least a few hours a day during the first few weeks). This can be difficult with appointments and adjustment, but if you can devote a few hours each day the first few weeks to the foster child, it will pay dividends in their behavior and your bond over the long term. If you have other kids and they aren't in school or daycare, ask someone to focus on them for a bit so you can focus solely on the new child in your home. Put your phone down, don't worry about cleaning or cooking, and just dedicate your time and energy to the child during that period. 

4. Read together. Spend 10-20 minutes every day reading together. For babies and toddlers, keep it simple and recognize they’ll probably want to read the same book over and over (and over again). For school aged kids, yes, practice reading skills but for bonding purposes, just read a silly book together without feeling too much like a reading coach (for now). For pre-teens or teens who maybe aren’t interested in side-by-side reading, have them pick a book that you both read separately and come together every few days to discuss. 

5. Do puzzles together. For littles, this can include simple shape puzzles. For older kids, including teens, find a picture puzzle that they like and at the difficulty level they can handle. Work on it together, praising their efforts (if focusing is tough for them, praise them when they can focus for even 30 seconds) and celebrating your joint success.

6. Sing or listen to music together. There is something so amazing about music. One of our toddler placements had off-the-wall energy but, somehow, when I sang to him with my less-than-perfect voice, I watched him immediately calm down almost in awe. One of our other placements came to us fairly serious/sad but when a song came on he liked he came alive and would dance around the room. Find songs they react to and play it often to help them associate your home and you with something positive. 

7. Take a walk or exercise together. Exercise is good for us all, particularly during stressful times like a major life-changing event. Infants and toddlers will enjoy you describing things you see and hear along a walk around the block. Ask engaging questions like "what was the best part of your day" to verbal kids. Maybe your older kids are into a sport; take a stab at it. Even if you're terrible at it, they'll likely enjoy that you gave it try.

8. Watch their favorite show or movie together. (I'll eventually have to write a separate blog about why I don't think foster parents should ban their foster kids from watching TV.) Once you figure out what their favorite movies or shows are, sit down next to them on the couch and enjoy it together. Occasionally ask questions or make observations about what they're seeing or what characters are doing. Discuss the show after, asking about plots, beginnings and ends, characters, etc., but try to sound more interested than probing. Listen to songs from the show or movie when you need to move on from screentime (with help from Spotify).  

9. Play. For ages 2-8~, give them opportunities for unstructured play. Engage with them by mimicking their actions, asking questions, and having fun. If your child is older, they may not be into unstructured play so grab a fun game or join them in a video game they like. Mirror their interest and engagement level. 

10. Positively engage their senses. Why do so many people love fireworks? Because it engages your sense of sight (the bright lights against a dark sky), sound (the popping of the firework), touch (feeling the outdoor air), and often taste (with good food near by). The beach? Because it engages your sense of sound (the ocean waves), sight (the beautiful scene), touch (the waves hitting you, the sand on your feet and the warm breeze), smell (the ocean air) and, again, often taste. Find a scene that offers positive sensory engagement. It's possible some kids, especially littles, may find major sensory experiences overwhelming so for the younger crew it may be good to start with smaller sensory experiences and work your way up.  

Whatever you do, put in the effort and it will help you foster love and bonding with your foster child. 

As a foster parent, you may find yourself in the difficult position of dealing with a foster child’s increased aggression, disobedience and desire to return home after visits with their biological parents. It can be an emotionally taxing experience, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are some tips for supporting your foster children after visits with their biological parents. 

Understand (or Remember) the Root Cause of Their Behavior 
It may feel like your foster child is intentionally acting out or being difficult, but it’s important to recognize that their feelings and reactions are likely rooted in something bigger than being disobedient or aggressive. It could be that they are struggling with  emotions around not being able to live with their biological parents, or that they feel comfortable with you but still love their biological parents and are not sure how to handle those conflicting emotions. 

Acknowledge and Validate Their Feelings 
When your foster child is struggling after a visit, it’s important to acknowledge and affirm what they are feeling. Let them know that you understand why they might feel angry or sad and validate those feelings without judging them or trying to “fix” the problem. This will help your foster child feel seen and heard, which can help them better process their emotions in a healthier way. My go-to phrase in these situations is: "It's okay to be sad/mad because you miss your family, but it is not okay to {insert aggressive behavior]".

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Teach & Model Healthy Coping Skills 
In addition to helping them to identify and verbalize their feelings, you can teach them how to cope with their feelings. Suggest that when they're sad or mad, they can listen to their favorite song, take deep breaths, get some exercise, ask for a hug, or even hit a pillow. Once you've taught the coping skill, model it in your own life; when you're feeling a negative emotion, say things like "I'm feeling frustrated because that didn't work out the way I wanted. I'm going to take three deep breathes and take a little break." 

Create Structure and Routine Together 
When children are feeling overwhelmed by their emotions, it helps to provide them with structured activities as a way of helping them focus on something else for a while. We have a routine that our fosters look forward to after their bio visits and that helps them know exactly what to expect after. For us, it includes visiting with our extended family and their foster cousins. Other ideas include playing board games, reading stories together, cooking meals together, etc. The idea is to create something fun and engaging that allows for connection between you both while also providing some distraction from any negative feelings they may be experiencing at the moment. 
       
Supporting your foster children after visits with their biological parents can be challenging but there are things you can do as a foster parent to make the situation easier on your family. Take time to remember the root cause of your child’s behavior, acknowledge and affirm their feelings without judgement or criticism, teach positive coping skills and create structure and routine. With understanding and patience, you can help support your foster children during this difficult time in ways that will benefit both of you for years to come.