How to Support Foster Kids After Visits with Biological Parents

As a foster parent, you may find yourself in the difficult position of dealing with a foster child’s increased aggression, disobedience and desire to return home after visits with their biological parents. It can be an emotionally taxing experience, but it doesn’t have to be. Here are some tips for supporting your foster children after visits with their biological parents. 

Understand (or Remember) the Root Cause of Their Behavior 
It may feel like your foster child is intentionally acting out or being difficult, but it’s important to recognize that their feelings and reactions are likely rooted in something bigger than being disobedient or aggressive. It could be that they are struggling with  emotions around not being able to live with their biological parents, or that they feel comfortable with you but still love their biological parents and are not sure how to handle those conflicting emotions. 

Acknowledge and Validate Their Feelings 
When your foster child is struggling after a visit, it’s important to acknowledge and affirm what they are feeling. Let them know that you understand why they might feel angry or sad and validate those feelings without judging them or trying to “fix” the problem. This will help your foster child feel seen and heard, which can help them better process their emotions in a healthier way. My go-to phrase in these situations is: "It's okay to be sad/mad because you miss your family, but it is not okay to {insert aggressive behavior]".

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Teach & Model Healthy Coping Skills 
In addition to helping them to identify and verbalize their feelings, you can teach them how to cope with their feelings. Suggest that when they're sad or mad, they can listen to their favorite song, take deep breaths, get some exercise, ask for a hug, or even hit a pillow. Once you've taught the coping skill, model it in your own life; when you're feeling a negative emotion, say things like "I'm feeling frustrated because that didn't work out the way I wanted. I'm going to take three deep breathes and take a little break." 

Create Structure and Routine Together 
When children are feeling overwhelmed by their emotions, it helps to provide them with structured activities as a way of helping them focus on something else for a while. We have a routine that our fosters look forward to after their bio visits and that helps them know exactly what to expect after. For us, it includes visiting with our extended family and their foster cousins. Other ideas include playing board games, reading stories together, cooking meals together, etc. The idea is to create something fun and engaging that allows for connection between you both while also providing some distraction from any negative feelings they may be experiencing at the moment. 
       
Supporting your foster children after visits with their biological parents can be challenging but there are things you can do as a foster parent to make the situation easier on your family. Take time to remember the root cause of your child’s behavior, acknowledge and affirm their feelings without judgement or criticism, teach positive coping skills and create structure and routine. With understanding and patience, you can help support your foster children during this difficult time in ways that will benefit both of you for years to come.