The First Month of a New Foster Placement - Part 2

(Read Day 1-14 Here) 

Day 15
For the most part, no one got out of the house and no one got out of comfy clothes today. My husband and I did much-needed things around the house while the kids watched movies and played (mostly well) together. Progress for sure. At 6 p.m. we realized we had nothing planned for dinner so we quickly packed everyone in the car to go pick something up. My husband and I couldn't help but laugh because all of us looked a hot mess in our car. Socks didn't match, some of us still had pjs partly on. At least one of the kids didn't have shoes on. I was wearing a raggedy old t-shirt and hadn't straightened (or brushed, ha) my hair in weeks. My husband needed a haircut and to shave. We couldn't even pretend like we had it together today if we wanted to... and I'm okay with that!
 

Day 16
Another major tantrum ensued today. What's worse is that it's clear these are starting to impact our other children and their view of FS3. I've doubled down on getting evaluations done to see what services might be able to help him.

 
Day 17
While FS3 is showing relatively strong attachment (“relatively” being the keyword here) to us as far as calling us mama and dada and looking to us for his needs, I’m realizing he has almost no trust of us.  I think everyone knows that kids in foster care are at high-risk for having trust issues, but I think most people assume that takes place in their adult inter-personal relationships. For a three-year-old, here’s what it looks like. 

• He asks for another orange. I tell him there are no more oranges. He argues with me and says there are. He has to go look to see they’re all gone before he believes me.
• We tell him it’s time to sleep and if he is loudly singing, talking or yelling, we’re going to have to close his door. (We don’t do this as a punishment, we explain to him that other people in the house need rest and quiet too). Yet, almost every time he starts singing, talking or yelling loudly and then seems surprised and gets frustrated when we do close the door.

He doesn’t believe most words we say, but can you blame him? We’re still new to him and he’s heard so many things before that likely didn’t pan out, his mind is likely constantly questioning what is true and real. Ugh.
 

Day 19
FS3 started daycare today! Since we did know he was coming to us a few weeks in advance, I was able to get him signed up and fortunately they had openings. We did give it just over two weeks to get him in so that we could "cocoon" a bit at home while we learned each others routines and his needs.
 
It was nice to have some time to mentally decompress but I worried about how he's doing... especially if he has a tantrum. Will the teachers be able to handle it? Will I eventually get a call that we need to find a new daycare? Fortunately, absolutely no calls and his teacher said he did great! One day down… many more to go!

 
Day 20
I usually work from home but today needed to go to the office. It was great being around some adults for a change! Of course, my sweet colleagues were checking in on me and asking all about our new addition. Not one to lie, I told them it has been challenging but we love him. Then THE question came…: “Why do you take these kids who aren’t your own, who have so many struggles, into your home knowing they may not even stay with you forever?”. I was too stunned to answer, but honestly, in hindsight I wished I would have said “How could you not?”
 

Day 24
BS3 goes back and forth between loving FS3 and being totally over him and needing his space. I worry about him so much too. FS6 seems to be doing great with the adjustment but of course, I'm keeping an eye on him to make sure he's not suppressing any feelings.

 
Day 25
Talk about famous last words (re: Day 24). Today, in a very passive aggressive move, FS6 hid FS3’s favorite blankie in his room under a toy box. It was as if to say, "you’ve caused quite a stir in this house and I think I’ll teach you a lesson". We talked to him so much about how it was totally okay to feel angry, but not okay to do mean things… but I won’t lie, we did chuckle a bit because it took some wit.
 

Day 26
Over the next 36 hours, 9 different case works, social workers, therapists, babysitter, etc. will be coming through our doors.  Can I even call this "our" house anymore? When they say "it takes a village", they meant it literally for foster care!

 
Day 27
We had FS3’s service plan visit this evening. I picked up the youngest 2 from daycare while my mom stayed with FS6 at home. BS3 totally lost it and was screaming that he didn't want to go home the whole drive home. FS3 also melted down but a bit more mildly. I brought them in the house while they were a mess. I walk in to have my mom tell me that FS6 had a digestive "incident" that they were cleaning up all while FS3’s CPS worker, social worker and CASA rang the doorbell. I jokingly promised the CPS worker that we would have it more together by this month after our Day 1 visit. Ha... the joke was on me for sure!

In good news though, I realized today that it's been 4 full days since FS3 has had a major, violent tantrum. That's the longest stretch we've seen!


Day 28
BS3 has still been struggling with the transition. It doesn’t help that he had a major transition at school this week too. There is a part of me that feels guilty for adding this complicated situation into his life. But I remind myself how he and FS6 didn’t get along for a while at first but now absolutely love each other. I remind myself that bringing a biological baby would have brought similar amounts of stress to his life, yet people do that literally every day. I remind myself that I am ready to support him through this too. I remind myself his siblings will teach him lessons I cannot. I remind myself that sure they argue and fight a lot, but when they see each other for the first time after their (separate) days at daycare, they give each other THE BIGGEST hug. And I breathe.
 

Day 29
FS3 has had difficulties getting to sleep and staying asleep. I try to employ some of the tactics I used on BS3 when he was an infant, like cuddling and singing lullabies, as I know bedtime is an important time for attachment to build. The most difficult thing is he can’t seem to turn his body (or his voice) off to calm down so he flip flops on the bed, kicking and punching the air, plopping his legs down repeatedly on the bed, and asking questions and making requests, for sometimes over an hour.

Sometimes he’s totally good if we leave the room, other times not.

Then, at least 1/3 of the past month, he’s woken up screaming and crying. It’s added a layer of exhaustion on an already tiring month.

This is where I really employ my list of things I say to my foster kids. I started saying these basically on day one with FS3. What’s so cool is that my husband text me tonight since he was on FS3 bedtime duty to tell me FS3 just said “I’m so safe and so loved” as he was flip flopping to sleep.

I’m reading back on my entries over the past month and just realized I haven’t mentioned FS3's eating throughout this. The first two weeks, FS3 would finish a meal and then turn around and say “I’m hungry”. We offered lots of healthy options and encouraged him to stay busy after meals since we figured it was nervous/bored eating. I talked to him a lot about when his belly was empty and when it was full. Between the passing of time since his move and understanding these other concepts, thankfully, this has tapered off now and he seems to be eating a typical amount. I'll take this things as progress! 

 
Day 30
I feel like we may have had a major breakthrough last night… I can only hope. I talk a lot to the boys about feelings and FS3 regularly shares that he is sad. Asking him “why” is futile since that concept is a much more complex thought process and requires language he probably doesn’t have at three. So I have been telling him “Are you sad because you had to switch families? Because that is hard.” {I’ll note that I hate that I have to give him these words at three, but I want to equip him with the right language he needs to express himself so he can start processing these feelings now and doesn’t have to start in 5, 10, or 20 years. I don’t want him to always feel like there’s something amiss, yet he doesn’t know how to communicate what is wrong.]

In the middle of the night last night, FS3 woke up screaming and was inconsolable. We tried everything. I’ll admit, I was feeling helpless and honestly getting frustrated. He didn’t want water, he didn’t need to go potty, he wasn’t comforted by a hug or being carried. He didn’t care that I was going to stay in his room or sing to him. We were about 15 minutes in and I was sure he was going to wake up the other two boys at any moment. Finally, I said, “I see that you’re sad. I’m so sorry.” And he said “I am sad. I don’t like switching families” angrily. Oh my goodness… to hear that from him both broke my heart and reset my brain to the situation at hand. I was then able to say, “I’m so sorry you had to switch families, I know that is so hard. I know you miss your______.” I’m not kidding after I said this, he immediately calmed down. It’s like he felt heard and validated in these big, complex feelings.

I know we’ll likely have to go through this process a hundred times or more, but now we’re both a bit more prepared.
 

Day 31 
Today we were in a minor-to-us car accident. I'll say it just as I said it on Day 1 (but maybe with more sarcasm), the chaos is almost laughable. Seriously, I need a week that doesn’t have high-intensity stress. 

I think we’re making progress in some areas with FS3, particularly the reduction of the violent tantrums. In others (like Day 30's revelation), I know we’ve just seen the start. We still don’t have any word on when coping skills or play therapy are starting. We did get him an evaluation for speech and thankfully that doesn’t seem like an area of need for him.

Adjustments for the kids have been going as expected–still a struggle but making progress. Fortunately, all three boys have been doing great in school/daycare which means that while it is a struggle at home, they’re not feeling it so much that it leaks into their school life!

As for me and my husband…I’ll admit, with the ages and needs of our current kids, and our jobs, we are both individually struggling a bit more than with previous placements. We’ve decided to both do individual therapy AND parent coaching to help us cope and ensure we’re being the best parents and partners we can be. I’ve also given in and gotten a laundry service to pick up a few loads of clothes once per week which has been a huge help. I’m really trying to take my own advice and ask for help wherever we can get it!

The past month hasn’t been easy. I’d love to say at a month out, we have it all figured out and everyone is doing great, but that’s not how foster care works. It’s complicated and it’s challenging on so many different levels (trauma, services, sibling relationships, marriage, work, your own insecurities/emotions, sleep, eating and so much more), but it is totally worth it knowing we can provide love and safety to our kids.